SEASON ONE



***THANK YOU FOR NOT MORPHING***
Piper- Wait a sec last week we had NO dad, and now we have TWO?!


***DREAM SORCERER***
Mr.Manford: Has anyone ever told you how truly beautiful you are?
Piper: Have you been drinking?!
Mr.Manford: Sense of humour, I love that.


***WEDDING FROM HELL***
Phoebe: Am I in for a cold shower? Yes or no?
Piper: At certain times in our life, a cold shower is probably a good thing.
Phoebe: Not three mornings in a row, it isn't!

Phoebe: Okay I can't hold this in any longer. You're name isn't Piper and that's the good news. Your really Hecate, queen of the underworld you're pregnant with the demon child which means. I'm afraid I have to kill you.
Piper: What?

Prue: Are you still in there?
Piper: I'm almost done.
Prue: Define almost.
Piper: Just give me another minute... or two.
Prue: You're positive?
Piper: I hope not.

Piper: You'll never greet your husband at the door with 'Honey I think I froze the kids.'
Prue: No I just accidentally moved them to another zip code.
Phoebe: But I will see them, find them and bring them back safely.



***THE FOURTH SISTER***
Piper: So if one of us got Leo. It'd be okay with the other one.
Phoebe: Absolutely.
Piper: So we can just consider this a friendly competition.
Phoebe: Sibling rivalry.
Piper: War.
Phoebe: Exactly.

Phoebe: Well whatever she said you should take it with a grain of salt because sometimes her medication makes her say the strangest things. But not to worry. Her shrinks are on it.
Leo: Shrinks?



***The Truth is Out There (and it hurts)***
Phoebe: Piper, we both know that I only like Leo because you do.

Phoebe- Piper, what do you really think of your boss?
Piper- I think he is a self-centered jerk, who must have a very small penis.



***WICCA ENVY***
Phoebe: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You, Leo, last night, dish.
Piper: Um, well, it was nice. It was... well, it was wonderful. We just had a few problems
Phoebe: Problems?
Prue: What problems?
Piper: Well, it's been a while since, you know, I-I was a little nervous, and I kinda kept freezing him.
Prue: Piper, you didn't?
Piper: I didn't mean to... the first time.
Phoebe: (making little noises) Ohh!
Prue: Okay, so, um, at what point exactly in the process exactly did you freeze him?

Leo: Good morning!
Phoebe: We heard.



***FEATS OF CLAY***
Doug to Phoebe- I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
Piper to Doug- I don't think you will!



***FROM FEAR TO ETERNITY***
Phoebe: I wish I had dreams like that.
Piper: Mom would have to knock before she came in to your dreams!
Phoebe: Ooooh.

He's undressing you with his mind, and he is down to white cotton - Prue
I haven't worn white cotton since High School. - Piper



***SECRETS AND GUYS***
Piper: And looky here. Miss Phoebe's diary.
Phoebe: The place where I kept all my secrets. Give me those. What?
Prue: The place where you kept your secrets?
Piper: Phoebe you could never keep a secret.
Phoebe: Oh that is so not true.
Piper: Okay maybe Prue's surprise Birthday party.
Prue: Guess again.

Phoebe: Me keep a secret. Hello wrong Halliwell.



***IS THERE A WOOGY IN THE HOUSE?***
Phoebe: Earthquakes give me the jeebies.
Prue: Would that be the Phoebe jeebies?
Phoebe: Oh, the comedy stylings of Prue Halliwell.
Piper: The only Halliwell that actually likes earthquakes.
Prue: I don't like them, but I don't go running through the house naked screaming "run for your life" either.
Phoebe: Okay that is such an exaggeration. I was wearing slippers.



***THAT 70s Episode***
Child Prue: Thats my doll!
Child Piper: You gave it to me!
Child Prue: No I didnt, you stole it!
Prue: Thats true...you did steal it.
Piper: I did not! Shh!
Prue: Yes, you did!

Grams: Whats IBM selling at your time?
Patti: Mom!
Grams: What?
Patti: This is not the time for personal gain!
Grams: Youre right...but if they could just nod their heads.



***WHEN BAD WARLOCKS GO GOOD***
Prue-Something tells me they're not the "ringing-the-bell" type!



***BLIND SIDED***
Piper: Okay, we need to talk about this. Um... If I ask you to stay then we're a couple, and I'm not sure if I'm ready to be a couple but if I... To leave and we could have been a good couple then, then I'll never know if we... I need more time. I need lots and lots of time.



***THE POWER OF TWO****
Prue: Oh, I hate cemeteries at night.
Phoebe: I hate cemeteries at day. What was that?
Prue: Ah, probably a zombie or a vampire.
Phoebe: Great where's Buffy when you need her?



***LOVE HURTS***
Prue: So ok you're moving things and I'm having premonitions and Piper can't freeze anymore which means --
Piper: Am I gonna get yelled at?!
Prue: It switched all of our powers??!
Phoebe: It's a supernatural freaky friday.

Phoebe: I hear rhyming. What are you doing?
Prue: Hey whats going on?
Phoebe: Oh you know the usual. Made some coffee, read the newspaper, walked in on Piper switching powers with Leo.

Leo-Being with Piper breaks the rules, but being without her breaks my heart.



***Deja Vu All Over Again***
Piper- I thought I'd have to pull a Celine Dion and wear my dress backwards.

Piper- What am I supposed to say? That I'm a cash-strapped single restaurant manager who still lives in the same house that we grew up in with my sisters?
Phoebe- And the cat, don't forget about the cat.


SEASON TWO



***WITCH TRIAL***
Piper: Phoebe, are you there?
Phoebe: AT&T power of three.

Phoebe-Your single, your responsible, and way over due in the sex department. I say go for it.
Piper-I'm not way over due. (Pause) Ok, maybe just a little bit.

Grams)-The Power of Three
Phoebe- Did you just hear that? Grams?
Piper (naked)- Grams?? What?? Where??


***MORALITY BITES***
Piper-Want to tell me again how screwed we are?
Prue- Very screwed.
Piper- Thanks.

Piper-What are we going to do?
Leo-What we always do.
Piper-Talk about it later.

Guard- Freeze!
Piper-Good idea.


***IN THE PAINTED WORLD***
Piper (About helping Jenny with her sex project)-Don't worry, I have plenty of experience.
Dan- With sex?
Piper-No, with talking about it.

Phoebe-The human reproductive system? And your uncle wanted Piper to help you out with this?

Piper-If we get out of here I'll buy Phoebe a pair of shoes.
Prue-And I'll buy her the purse to match.

Are you sure you're going to be okay? - Piper
Yeah, why? - Phoebe
Phoebe, I know you think getting this job is the answer but please just don't anything.. -Piper
What?! stupid? - Phoebe
No, just don't do anything I wouldn't do - Piper
Don't worry I won't -Phoebe
Piper leaves the room
You would never cast a smart spell - Phoebe


***THE DEVIL'S MUSIC***
Leo-Look, I know your upset.
Piper-No, no. I skated past upset just after you came in the door. Right now I'm at furious.

Piper-I wish we could just stick his head in a toilet and make him cough up the demon.
Phoebe-Honey, are you still upset with Leo?
Piper-I'm talking about Carlton.
Phoebe-I can't keep up.

Leo- I do, the timing always just...
Piper (sees Morris)-Seems to suck.



***SHES A MAN, BABY, A MAN***
Phoebe-Did Manny just check out that girl's butt?
Piper-This is starting to get weird.
Phoebe-Starting to get weird? Where have you been?


***THEY'RE EVERYWHERE***
Dan (thinks)-Someday, someway, somehow, I'm gonna make it through that damn door.

Eric-Are you sure you're not an angel.
Phoebe-No, I'm no angel, but I could probably introduce you to one, though.


***P3H2O***
Jack: How's my favorite auctionette?
Prue: Fine, how's my favorite auction ass?

Piper to Dan-I feel I can tell you anything. (closes the door) Except that there's a demon.
Leo-And that you're a witch. Sorry, that was..
Piper-The truth.

Piper-Dan, why are you at the back door?
Dan-When I knock at the front door I never seem to make it through the threshold.


***MS HELLFIRE***
Phoebe-Hey, do you recognize that person?
Prue-I know, she looks vaguely familiar, kind of like a sister we used to have. What was her name?
Prue and Phoebe-Pip? Pippy? Pipe? Pipper? No...
Phoebe-What ever happened to her?
Prue-I don't know. She fell in love with the next door neighbor, started spending all of her time there.

Prue_Who else would want to kill us?
Phoebe-Well, you know, you were a little sharp to the mailman yesterday, and we all know how testy they can be.

Piper-Freeze.
Phoebe-Kick.
Prue-Send flying.

Phoebe-Hey, you know, you can ask me anything you want about being a witch.
Morris- No thanks.
Phoebe-It's actually really cool. We have this book, it's called the Book of Shadows.
Morris-Too much information, Phoebe.
Phoebe-No, but it's...
Morris-Nothing I want to know about, I'm serious. I don't want to know anything.
Phoebe-C'mon. You don't even want to know if we fly or anything like that?
Morris-I don't even want to know if you own a damn broom, a skillet, a cauldron, a dust buster. I don't give a damn.


***HEARTBREAK CITY)***
Phoebe (Piper not in bedroom)-Prue guess who got lucky last night.

Cindy-He just walked into traffic. Dumb ass. Is he going to die? Because he should you know.

Drazi-Hiding behind witches skirts?
Piper-Stealing things that don't belong to you?

Phoebe-I'm sorry, but did you do something specific to tick Drazi off or did he also find your honesty a complete pain in the ass?

Cupid-Your heart is closed.
Phoebe-I'm picky.

Piper: Where's the chubby baby?
Phoebe: Guys.
Prue: And the bow and arrow.
Cupid: Where's the warty chins, hooked noses and pointy hats?

Cupid: Okay, fine. (To Piper) Dan. (To Prue) Jack. (To Phoebe) Clay. (To Prue) Andy, my sincerest condolences, Eric in London, Allen in college. (To Piper)
Not Jeremy the warlock, Joe in college, Barry in high school, Tim in eighth grade. (To Phoebe) Ken, Kyle, Steve, Mike, Ken again, Brian, Joel, Martin,
Peter, Paul...

Drazi: Oh, touching...really touching. Cindy, could you be a bigger fool? He's still sleeping with his ex-wife. He looks at you as a desperate lonely woman.
Easy sex. Max, she's nothing more than a gold-digging tramp, who wants to hitch her wagon to your big fat wallet. Just as soon marry you, and kill you
for the insurance. Bye-bye.

Prue: Oh, Piper, everybody has secrets, including Jack and Dan.
Piper: Yeah, well, unless they're transvestite Nazi war criminals with great face lifts, I think we've got 'em beat.

Drazi: Dan...Piper, still loves Leo. Always has, always will. You are nothing more than geographically desirable. After all, a girl can't get much closer than the stud next door. (To Jack) Jack, Jack, Jack. Does the term transition man mean anything to you? Well, it should. Because Prue is using you, You are everything she always knew, she never wanted.

Dan: Fine! (Lowers voice) I'm sure Leo will replace it with something that means more anyway.
Piper: (Comes back; tilts head) Probably! (Leaves again)

Prue: (Sighs) Jack's scum.
Piper: So's Dan.
Prue: Are you scum?
Piper: No, I'm not scum.
Prue: I knew you weren't.

Jack-This better be good.
Piper-Am I supposed to know what you're talking about?
Dan-Don't buy the innocent act, she pulls it all the time.

Piper-Oh that's really pathetic, paging yourself.
Dan-Pathetic?
Piper-Oh, I'm sorry. I meant moronic.


***RECKLESS ABANDON***
Piper: I don't want a test run, I remember when Phoebe was a baby and Mom was miserable and Prue kept dropping her.
Phoebe: What?
Prue: Hah, changing the subject.


***AWAKENED***
Jack-Are you out of your mind.
Prue-I don't know, maybe.


***ANIMAL PRAGMATISM***
Phoebe: What I could really use though, is the salt of life.
Leo: We have the salt of margarita.
Phoebe: I'll take it.

Piper: Why don't they make cards that say you used to be my whitelighter, now your wings are clipped and you're sleeping in my club?
Phoebe: Or, how about, you snooze, you lose, now I'm getting naked with the neighbor?


***PARDON MY PAST***
Dan: Believe me, this is not a jealousy thing, I just wanna make sure you know who's working for you, that's all. Just call me, overprotective.
Piper: That's very sweet Dan, but um, trust me, you don't have to worry about Leo at all. He's an angel.

Phoebe: He was your husband, sorry Leo.
Leo: That's okay, I'm hoping Piper learns from her past mistakes.

Phoebe: Well, bright side? At least I won't have to worry about ending up in a place like this in my golden years.
Prue: Hey, at least we still have time to figure out what happened.
Phoebe: Not much time. By midnight I'll be dead again.
Piper: By midnight? How do you know that?
Phoebe: Midnight, a full moon, what's the difference, it's always one or the other, right?

Piper: Hold it. Wait a minute, you knew that we were lovers before and you didn't tell me? What, did it just...slip your mind!?
Leo: No...I just...
Piper: You just what? I'm getting a migraine.
Leo: Look, Piper I didn't tell you because I didn't want it to influence you in the present. I wanted you to decide whether or not you wanted me in this life.
Piper: I need an aspirin.

Leo-Saved by the bell (Dan at door) Or not.


***GIVE ME A SIGN***
Phoebe: 28 min. 33 sec.
Piper: Really? We ran that long?
Phoebe: Nope, I've been timing how long you've been comparing Leo and Dan.
Piper: I haven't been comparing, I've just been talking.
Phoebe: Nonstop

Prue-You can either take your pants off on your own, or I can do it by force.

Prue-What are you doing here?
Phoebe-We're saving you from the tall dark and naked man!
Prue-I told you guys to stay away.
Phoebe-I see why. He is yummy.

Prue-So, what was the outcome-Dan or Leo?
Piper-I never needed a sign to tell me where my heart lies.(looks over at Leo)


***MURPHYS LUCK***
Dan (on the phone)-You miss me?
Piper to Leo-No.
Dan-Really?
Piper-Oh, I was talking to the cat.


***HOW TO MAKE A QUILT OUT OF AMERICANS***
Amanda-We've been chanting for 15 minutes.
Gale-This is a seance, Amanda, not AT&T.


***CHICK FLICK***
Piper-I just wanted tonight to be perfect.
Leo-Well, it was, I was with you.

Phoebe-Here I am talking about the shortage of perfect men and in orbs yours.
Piper-I found one of the good guys.
Leo-Unfortunatly, I'm here to talk about the bad guys.
Phoebe-No shortage of those!

Demon of Illusion (in movie)-I should have known the disappearing demon act wouldn't fool you for long.
Prue-Yeah, all you really did was piss us off.
(Prue tries to use power on demon and it doesn't work)
Demon-Silly Wiccan, tricks are for kids.

Phoebe-I think he's staring at me!
Billy-Hi.
Phoebe-Hi!
Prue-I hate to put a damper on your little love connection here, sis, but we need to kick some ass.
Demon-Oh, is that what you are going to do? Any idea on how you intend to do that? Or are you just going to flirt me to death like your little tardy sister?
Billy-Watch your language in front of the ladies!
Demon-Oh, I'm sorry. Was it the word sister that bothered you? How about bitch? Does that go down easier?

Demon-Now, ladies and gentlemen, let's make your PG lives rated R.

Piper-It wasn't much of a date last night, wanna find some seats in the back and makeout before demon hunting?

Piper-I'm being stalked by a psycho killer and I hide in the shower?!

Phoebe-So, maybe, this is the only way the psychos know how to die, is how they were killed on screen
Piper-How am I supposed to know that? I'm a romantic comedy type. Why go to horror movies when they come to you?!


***EX LIBRIS***
Piper: Uh, why don't we go upstairs, since she's downstairs.
Leo: Oh, I, uh, know a better way.
Piper: You do?

Leo (in shower)-Piper, could use pass me a towel? Prue?!
Prue (enjoying this thoroughly)-Leo?...nice orbs...

Piper: All right, back to your position. Go on.
Leo: Are you kidding me? He's about to clock me.
Piper: I'm sorry, I can't help you with that.


***ASTRAL MONKEY***
Piper-Prue, you don't think Leo lives here, do you?
Prue-Well, I mean, yeah-of course he does. But, I mean it's fine. As long as you're happy that's all I really care about, not that I was unhappy when I saw Leo all naked in the shower and...wet...

Leo (to Phoebe, cleaning out Piper's closet)-Ever done it on a cloud?
Phoebe-I don't know, does a feather bed count?
Leo-Phoebe?! I thought you were Piper.

Prue-BOS.
Phoebe-BOS? Oh! Book of Shadows...

Leo-Dr. Williamson is cosmically screwed.


***APOCALYPSE, NOT***
Death-A pentagram, our lucky sign.
Phoebe-Actually, a pentagram was a sign of good energy until your side stole it.


***BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WITCH FOR***
Phoebe: Why does everyone always Phoebe me?

Dragon: Where the hell did you come from?
Genie: No, actually, that's where you came from.
Genie-How about great fortune? Want that?
Phoebe-After taxes? Not worth it.
Genie-You're probably a little bit upset?
Piper-No, I've moved past upset and right to PISSED OFF!

Piper to Leo-Take me to your leader.


SEASON THREE



***THE HONEYMOON'S OVER***
Phoebe-Which is why I'm now going to kick Piper's ass. (grabs keys and heads for door)
(Prue slams door shut with powers)
Phoebe-OK, we have had this conversation before. You aren't allowed to use your active power on me until I have an active power to use on you, remember??

Leo: I look at you and I think how lucky I am. I mean, I can't stop looking at you. You're my dream come true. You're my raison d'tre.
Leo: Every time I see you, I love you even more. You're so beautiful. You're so special. I can't imagine my life without you. (Piper walks in.) Piper!
Piper: Leo, who are you talking to?
Leo: Me? Uh, nobody, just myself, you know.
Piper: Yourself? You were telling yourself how much you love you?

Leo: Okay, fine, um, here's good. Um, I've been thinking a lot actually about our situation.
Piper: Leo...
Leo: No, no, just let me finish. Um, I think I've come up with a solution, a way for us to be together no matter what they say. (Leo gets down on one knee and Piper's eyes widen. He takes Piper's hand.) Will you marry me?
Piper: This is so not happening.
Leo: Listen to me, Piper, I told you, I thought this whole thing through.
Piper: Uh huh. Is that why you asked me to marry you in a toilet?

Phoebe-You and Leo have the kind of love girls dream about. I know I dream about it. How about you?
Prue-All the time.

Prue-Are you ready? One...two...don't hold my hand!

Piper: Wait, Leo, me first. I've been thinking a lot about our situation and you asking me and I didn't want to just dismiss it without thinking it through. Um, last night in the court room, I was actually scared. For a minute there I thought I wasn't gonna make it, that that was it, and that's where I realized that I don't wanna die without ever having being married to you. The answer is yes, Leo, I would love to marry you.
Leo: Yeah?
Piper: Yeah.
Leo: Yeah?
Piper: Yeah.


***MAGIC HOUR***
Leo-I hate to be the barer of bad news...
Piper-Could you possibly be the barer of a big hug?
Leo-No, not after what I just found out.

Piper-Kit! Let that alone!
Phoebe-Bad kitty!
(Owl morphs into a naked man)
Prue (with devilish grin)-Good kitty!

Phoebe-If I had a dollar for every time an owl turned into a hot guy on our porch I'd be ri...(Piper covers her mouth)
Piper-We've seen worse.

Phoebe: I mean, there was that whole bonding time before I was even born!
Prue: She was 1 and I was 3, what did we bond over? Diapers and drooling?

Piper: Ok, well, let me think about it. I'm not allowed to invite anybody, to have a cake, or a band and flowers, so what makes you think I can HAVE a maid of honor?

Grams-I remember the loneliness all too well.
Phoebe-Grams, you were married four times!



***ONCE UPON A TIME***
Piper-Lost your minds?
Prue-Piper, we've been waiting and waiting.
Phoebe-And you what we did?? We saw a fairy and she was very cute and she was sparkly and she was really, really pretty!
Piper (freezes club)-What ass-backwards spell did you guys cast?
Prue-We didn't cast a spell.
Phoebe-No, it is true we did not cast a spell but we did use fairy dust!
Piper-Fairy dust? Ok, great, so you can go home and reverse it Tinkerbell.
Phoebe-No...no...no...I'm not a fairy.

Piper to TPTB-I bet you guys think this is really funny, don't ya? Haven't you taken enough from me? You have to send TROLLS to KICK me while I'm down?? I had a nice normal life once. And you took that from me. You took my boyfriend, you took my life. The least you could do is leave me my fricken car keys! I'm a good person. I'm a good witch. And damn it I would have made a great wife. And how dare you take that from me? I deserve...no...you know what? I demand that you send him back to me. I'm gonna STAND in this very spot until you send Leo back to me!

Phoebe: Uh, keys?
Prue: What?
Phoebe: You know, silver shiny things that go jingle-jingle?

Phoebe: No, Piper, they weren't scratches, they were claw marks.
Piper: If they were, you would've seen what had clawed her. Why are you being so stubborn about this?
Phoebe: Because I'm a Scorpio. What's your excuse?
Prue: Okay, so it's kind of late and, um, we're all a bit tired so how about we finish up tomorrow?
Phoebe: Now look what you did. You went and turned Prue into the middle child.


***ALL HALLIWELLS EVE***
Daryl(in police uniform)-It's from my rookie days. It still fits.
Leo(in WW2 uniform)-Yeah, mine, too.


***SIGHT UNSEEN***
Phoebe: Well, speaking of a big chill, is Leo keeping you warm?
Piper: Nope.
Phoebe: Honey, are you still afraid that they're watching you?
Piper: What am I supposed to think? The last two times they orbed him out was right in the middle of IT.
Phoebe: So what does he say?
Piper: He swears they're not watching but he's a guy, he'll say anything. The point is I think they're watching and when I think, I can't, I can't, I can't concentrate.
Phoebe: Hmm, well, at least you have the option to concentrate. If Cole and I continue this flirting tango thing, I'm gonna have to start concentrating on myself.

Phoebe: Whoaaaaa! I should've knocked, I'm sorry.
Piper: It's okay. I can't do it anyway.
Phoebe: I am so sorry to hear that

Phoebe: Well, I told you I didn't see anything.
Piper: Not you, them. I thought doing it somewhere else might take the pressure off.
Phoebe: Mmm, I'm bummed for you, Piper, I really am. But I gotta tell you, Leo is looking fine.
Piper: I thought you didn't see anything.
Phoebe: Well, nothing good.

Leo: Wow. You are amazing when you concentrate.
Piper: And stopped worrying about them. (Piper looks up.) I hope you enjoyed the show.


***BRIDE & GLOOM***
Piper: Leo, your such a stick in the mud!
Phoebe: Oh! Good idea! May I?

Phoebe: Oh Leo! Sorry we killed you.
Leo: It's ok!



***MISCELLANEOUS***
"If he knows what's good for him he'll stay frozen!" ~ Piper

"That was an antique you Ass..hole!" ~ Prue

"You can either take your pants off on your own or I could always do it by force!" ~ Prue

"I miss who he should've been and I miss who he never was but I don't miss him" ~ Prue